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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Myth of Brad Brascoe or The Ladies Just Don't Understand

For awhile there he was nameless. I just sensed him like a phantom behind every single girl that I've ever been interested in. But after various experiences, I began to learn of him. Know him. And in effect, dread him. Though I've never ever officially met Brad Brascoe, I know all about him.

It became apparent when any time I was remotely interested in a lady, she always seemed to be talking to various other guys. Usually the one that she chatted with most was Brad Brascoe.

Also whenever an ex or an old flame, or fling, or even just a crush found someone just after the closure (or the closest thing to a closure)...well, that person was also Brad Brascoe.

And whenever I was wrapped in the arms of a lady and the first disenchanted look fell on her face and there was a pause --what was she thinking about? Why, it was none other than, you guessed it, Brad Brascoe whom she had dated before or whom she had just met at Starbucks that week.

Gentlemen, you know exactly what I speak of. Somewhere, sometime you've called some lady's number with the artful intention of hooking up but found her number to be busy. Who could she be talking and ecstatically giggling with?....Brad Brascoe.

Another time, another place perhaps another girl you thought of taking the internet approach but on her facebook page there is always some ostentatious shmuck with his shirt off or surrounded by children who writes flirtatious things on her wall. Who else?...Brad Brascoe.

It was always a difficult thing to learn of him. But I found that if one sits and broods about it long enough then even characteristics about him begin to surface. So what are his characteristics and traits? You'll notice certain traits clearer than others depending upon what type of girl you are after. But after awhile of seeming to get no where with a particular lady certain peculiarities are gleaned. Maybe they dawn on you in your sleep. Or maybe they dawn on you when you have asked a lady out and no reply is coming quite as fast as you like. And if there is a "no", well, then Mr. Brascoe's characteristics all come out all the more colorful. Here is what I know about Brad Brascoe.

I once thought that the list of countries that I've been to were kind of fascinating and impressive, until I learned that Brad Brascoe had been to every single country that I'd been to and many others...the biggest difference is that he had helped build orphanages in these countries as well.
...dang that Brad Brascoe.

He just finished his law degree but is deciding to become a doctor instead to help the ailing of the world. For his undergrad, he turned down a full-ride scholarship to MIT in order to go on a Humanitarian Aid trip to the Amazon with professors from Harvard. But he had to come back to see to the 4 businesses he's started since he was a teenager. One of these businesses is about lost puppies being reunited with their grieving families.
...dang that Brad Brascoe.

You know he spends his Saturdays visiting a nursing home where he plays piano for all the old ladies. They try to marry him off to their granddaughters and they bake him pies. He takes these pies and turns around and gives them to the leper colony down on 5th Street.
...dang that Brad Brascoe.

He's a horse whisperer. He can talk to the horses. But he only rides bareback. This he does while he juggles bouquets of flowers.
...dang that Brad Brascoe.

The only way to explain his looks is to point out the fact that random people in public have stopped him several times to say, "You must look just what Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's children will look like one day". That, and he’s caused three wrecks at three separate times from just walking down the sidewalk. Now he wears a toboggan or cap to disguise his good looks. But everytime he sees a homeless man he gives him his toboggan or cap and he’s once again outstandingly good looking and radiant and causing traffic accidents again.
...dang that Brad Brascoe.

Rumor has it that every now and then a message is left on his answering machine saying something to the effect of, “Hi, Brad Brascoe, this Mr. Sparks…Umm Nick again. Call me if you’ve got the time. I’ve run out of ideas again.”
…dang that Brad Brascoe

He, of course, plays guitar. There is not a guitarist like him. It is rumored that half the women in the audience pass out from sheer exuberance overload. He could've gotten a record deal but his mother told him that she couldn't see her son living the rock'n'roll lifestyle. He wasn't going to listen at first but sign the record deal anyway for he is something of a rebel, but his mother ended up passing away. So now, in her honor, he'll only play for that one special lady that he hopes to find in his life.
...dang that Brad Brascoe.

He likes to give massages in his spare time.
…dang that Brad Brascoe.

Brad Brascoe reads voraciously and can quote authors right and left. He can beat anybody in a debate, but he rarely argues. Although he is never ever wrong with the facts or the concepts, he almost always allows the other person, especially when they are female to think themselves as being right. For 14 consecutive weeks, he has been the contending champion on Jeopardy. And during one of these shows his competition was none other than the creator of the television series, “Sex in the City”. They got to be really good friends and because Brad Brascoe let him win the final round of Jeopardy, this TV mogul imparted all his knowledge and all his understanding that he knew about women to Brad Brascoe.
...dang that Brad Brascoe.

In high school he was quarterback, SGA president, Valedictorian, the Homecoming King, and the lead actor in the Homecoming play. But he had to disappear midway through his senior year because he helped save someone's life who the Mafia had tried to kill. Then the Mafia had it in for him. He stay hid for 3 months until he was eventually found out by some of the mob, but he single-handedly beat down all 6 of them with a coat hanger. Now the Mafia respects him and he gets free pasta dishes at Carrabba's.
...dang that Brad Brascoe.

I once heard from a girl that kissed him that he tastes and smells just like the richest, dark chocolate. -Not that mass produced stuff. No, like the carefully melted and stewed fudge fondue from the forests of Switzerland. She described kissing him as "floating in a stream of hot, sensuous Godiva."
...dang that Brad Brascoe.

He used to be a yacht magazine model. There are lots of pictures of him out on the ocean blue, in front of sails with his shirt ripped off and his bronze-toned, six-pack and pecks gleaming in the sun. He was so good at this that he won the Champion Yacht Magazine Model of the Decade and won a free yacht. He used to sail medical supplies to impoverished countries...that was until he happened on an undiscovered island in the Caribbean. Now he owns his own yacht AND tropical island.
...dang that Brad Brascoe.

Some great-uncle of his passed away and it became known that he was the next in line of royal blood of the dukedom of Luxembourg. He inherited a large castle, a butler, and the local florist shop and chocolate boutique. Not to mention some fine collection of jewelry. This started him on a frantic quest for the most beautiful diamond in existence. He searched high and low never finding the one diamond that struck his fancy. So he stopped his hunt for a short while. That is until, he happened to rescue an entire Jewish family from a house fire. They quickly gave him access to the greatest jewelry around the world for a discounted price and he found his one true diamond on a ring. And the Jew who sold it to him said that he would only depart from this beloved diamond ring if Brad Brascoe would swear to only give it to the one true love of his life. He agreed and now he keeps it in a royal cabinet in his royal castle awaiting its true possessor.
…dang that Brad Brascoe

Really, truly, and in all actuality, maybe….I don’t know....perhaps…. he’s just a man who simply believes in himself.
…dang that Brad Brascoe.


Blogger James and Andrea said...

Hey Brian,

I just wanted to let you know that you're an AIM uncle! Little Clara Joy arrived on Sunday, February 8. She is adorable! We have a little more information on our blog and, of course, will be putting updates and pictures of her young life.

I just thought you'd want to know! God bless.


11:45 PM  
Anonymous jackson said...

Are you sure Brad Brascoe is who he says he is? I think its Chuck Norris in disguise.

11:10 AM  

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