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Saturday, November 20, 2010

An Apology From A Deleted Facebook Friend

The slap has been felt, the dis has been served, the insult waged...apparently there is this application now on facebook that allows you to see just who has deleted you from their friends' list. In other words, who not only doesn't claim to be your friend, but even lowlier, doesn't even want the shallow acquiantanceship that being facebook friends is all about. Okay, so now that I am smacked with the utter glove-in-face, kiss of Judas removal, I'll pay homage to those fair-weather facebook friends who sacrificed their friend number in order to end the lives and times we shared half-glancing at each others status updates even though for the most part, I've never had a single conversation with half of them. I post this knowing it will never be read by the following...ex-facebook friends.



To Gus Yaekley.... I always considered you to be a man's man. Though, in truth, I somehow arrived at the conclusion that life had something more about it than Alabama Football. But you showed me and the rest of the facebook world just where a passion could lead you. I'm sorry...I couldn't respond "Roll Tide" to nearly every single status update. If I had to do it over again, maybe I would save our friendship by writing the scores of the games on your updates. (Perhaps not last weeks scores though.)





To Bob Mitchell.... For the record, no, I was not the Brian Harrison that you pledged Alpha Ki Sigma with 4 years ago. And no I never went camping with you during Spring Break where you choked on that funnel, and for the last time, no, I was not the Brian Harrison that swore to swap the Milton twins with you on a twisted date idea. I only befriended you because your name was as generic and common as my own. And that maybe I did in fact know you. Unfortunately, how badly mistaken we both were. Nice to know your fraternity dues allowed you to keep up with your "good" friends so well. I think it took you 3 years to realize that I was not your so-called brother through thick and thin.



To Laura Witherspindle.... Why, yes, you sat behind me in History of Literary Criticism. And I will admit that you were easy on the eye. I think we had one in depth conversation on the superiority of American Cheese to Swiss Cheese and this was only because we both were hungry. I dropped my pencil once and you picked it up for me and I thank you for that....but why it is, that you deleted me as soon as you got married, I will never know. I mean, its not as though we are exes or anything. Or that I was keeping you as an option. I mean our conversation about American Cheese was splendid, superb...ranks as one of the profoundest conversations I had in my college years, but come on.





Marcie Powers.... I am sorry I wrote that status update where I used the quirky metaphor about overweight Latvians floating like icebergs in the Baltic Sea. I had no idea that your great-grandfather was, in fact, a large, portly Latvian who lost his life on an Arctic exploration at sea. Next time, I'll try to be more sensitive with all the strange things that I put as my facebook status.



Tammie Shipton.... While, I am sorry for making out with your younger sister, I am far more sorry for mentioning it to you.



Michelle Shipton... I am so sorry for making out with your older sister after I told her how poor a kisser you were. I had no idea that this would get back around to you.



Johnny Shipton... Sorry that I laughed to you about how I made out with both your sisters.



Marcus Matthews... I apologize for one time cracking a joke about one of your political rants. Next time, I'll use my freedom of speech with a grain of salt...and be sure to agree with everything you say.



Courtney Williams... While, I must admit some of your profile pictures were quite the masterpieces in subtle erotica, I guess it dawned on you that not every guy responds to pictures of a French maid outfit half-revealing a well-carved derriere. But what does it matter, I'm just one less of your 900 male facebook friend list.



Glenn McDooley... Yes, you had the most supreme musical tastes on facebook. Some people probably thought you a music snob. But I knew you to be ontop of the entire scene. Whenever your profile picture would pop up with the Harry Potter glasses and the serious look, I knew that I was in for a sublime musical treat. Sorry that I one time posted that Youtube video of the Bee Gees on the facebook newsfeed. If you were still around, I'd post John Denver all over your wall just to spite you.



Mickey Allbright... I had no idea that you had lost your left eye. From all your profile pics, I thought you were just a guy that was just extraordinarily proud of his abs. For that was all you would post. I guess, that photo album I made of "All the Fun Things to Do With an Eye Patch", really rubbed you the wrong way.



Sarah Gimble.... Sorry that I responded to your birthday by sending you an electronic bucket of KFC. I thought it was funny, you being a fervent animal rights activist. I had no idea you would take it so seriously. Or maybe it was the time on my facebook status that I mentioned, completely being silly, that I was so "disgruntled with my life that I could drop kittens off the top of a radio tower." It was just a joke!



Disclaimer: Actually, all the people and stories on here are entirely fictitious. I don't even know how to work the application that details the people that have deleted you.

5 Comments:

Anonymous JamesBrett said...

very funny. i enjoyed this post a lot.

8:32 AM  
Blogger Lori T @ http://www.thetowells.com said...

You are hilarious. Thanks for the post! We hope everything's going great w/ you.

11:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So it is safe to DEFRIEND you then?

8:12 AM  
Anonymous Brian said...

Yes, but if you defriend me, I'll only write about you behind your back.

8:34 AM  
Blogger hsp said...

Could this be any funnier? Well, you could probably make it funnier. I actually had a guy that I "defriended" inbox me. He didn't ask me why I "defriended" him, he just sent me a weird message...If I had been drinking a beverage whilst reading this, I would have totally spewed!

8:31 PM  

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