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Saturday, December 10, 2005

An Article Straight from the Bison News

So a couple of weeks ago, I got an email from the school newspaper asking me to write them a column. I don't mean to boast but, yeah, it sounded as though they really wanted someone to write a good, entertaining article. Even though, being submerged in writing other papers...I couldn't resist. It took me a little while to find an article topic that would speak to everyone at Harding...but I finally found it within 2 or 3 hours of my deadline. I wrote it and sent it off. It's titled the "Decline of the Hunter". After sending it in, the newspaper people told me that it was too good to just be printed as a mere opinion' s column; they wanted the entire thing to be read, so they waited a week or two and published it as "the" humor column. From what i can tell it was quite a hit. I know for a fact that it was read aloud by teachers to two different classes. To my surprise, some students who I hardly know can even quote my main points in it. So, I decided to allow you, my faithful readers, to be able to read my point on the matter. You may agree or disagree but in reality all that I wanted to do was entertain...so I hope you are given just that.

A tragic epidemic has spread around campus. Girls sit together in intimate circles many nights talking, confused out of their minds, why the typical Harding male does not ask them out. It is my intention to explore these social hang-ups and give you, the reader, a portrayal of the psychology of the sad, repressed male hunter. These are the reasons for our passiveness:

Guys are Pansies…Let’s face it. It’s true. We, men, of the modern era have evolved from our superior war-crying savage ancestors into the sick peevish cowards who fumble pickup lines with frayed flowers. Yes, men can still be some of the most daring reckless risk-takers compared to women when it comes to bombing nations, street brawls, killing insects, and driving through busy intersections. But all of these are dark, gruesome and downright ugly things of the world. However when it comes to beauty; the great warrior whimpers. The white knight retreats. In short, the man becomes a pansy. Nothing is so intimidating to a guy but pure, untarnished beauty. Women seek perfection; but men flee from it. Why touch the hair that looks like it took 3 days of Creation to fix? Hear me ladies, a great work of art must stand by itself. –And it all goes with the thought that if the sweetest, most delicate thing, the female, turns us down then how in the world are we to face and protect you against the uglier things of our ideal world, like black knights and long-mustachioed villains who want to tie you to the train tracks.

Girls have the List…Here I am referring to that special list of characteristics that many girls have in order to search for their ideal mate. “The List” usually refers to phenomenal attributes like “A Christian”, (Of which I heartily agree.) “A Good Listener” (Also understandable), “Likes Kittens” (At this point things get ridiculous). “Has 5 Credit Cards in Which He’ll Let Me Handle All of Them” (Do you see the impossibility we are up against.) It’s not so much that “The List” is bad. There are a lot of good, noble lists out there. It’s just that most guys don’t think in lists. No, we use “The Impulse”. If a girl alarms “The Impulse” then we could have a potential life together. What I’m trying to say is it’s completely illogical for the guy to initiate, when it’s the complex lady who has the list of what she wants and how she wants it. You could argue the same case with all those dating books. Not many guys read those books. The only ones that do read it do so because a girl they like suggested it to them. So if females that have so much preparation in the matter, why are they the ones who get to sit around and do nothing?

Too Much Selection...At Harding we are at a disadvantage. Have you ever been to a huge supermarket while starving? That’s the predicament of the typical Harding male. No doubt he’s starving and no doubt he wants to be filled. But it’s as though he stands there in the center aisle, googled-eyed at the rows and rows of food. His stomach growls and he knows he must purchase something. But what?! Does he go resolutely to the back and pick out a full slab of ribs to be cooked very slowly? Or does he rush over to the snack section and grab a bag of Cheese Curls? Or perhaps he reaches in his pocket and takes out the grocery list that his mother had given him and slowly gathers the ingredients for some awesome chicken casserole. The man’s perplexed, confused, bewildered. He hears the grocery store music play on and feels the pang in his stomach. Images of Twinkies, Pizza Rolls, Celery Sticks, 100% Wheat Bread, No Pulp Orange Juice, etc…all whirl before him and he doesn’t have a clue of where to begin. And then there’s the line! If he did grab all the necessary ingredients for some Fettuccine Alfredo he would have to wait a very long time in, gulp, a line. –And he doesn’t dare open anything before he’s purchased it. That’s against grocery store regulations! It’s all too much. That’s why if I had my way I would go back to arranged marriages.

5 Comments:

Blogger Fred said...

I can't disagree at all. No wonder they wanted to wait - this is great!

I haven't been to a grocery store in ages. They confuse me, and there's too much in there that has nothing to do with food. Also, The Missus won't let me; I always come back with the wrong thing.

3:02 PM  
Blogger hsp said...

So, I am not a guy, but variety confuses me as well. I pretty much hate going to the grocery, I think that's why I liked going in Russia... there aren't too many choices. And Brian, NEVER fret or fear, you always entertain! hey, thanks for what you said about giving it time.

3:14 PM  
Blogger Justin said...

I always go for the "snack food"

10:02 PM  
Blogger Adam Newby said...

So how about those grocery stores in Cannon County, TN? They got some good stuff there, huh?

6:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ah...sounds like what happens when you shoehorn an American male...into then American society he was raised into...

11:23 PM  

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