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Sunday, February 12, 2006

Contemplations on the Fair Sex

Yes, the wonderful world of women...I have not been in the correct frame of mind to write hardly anything lately due to my venture into this troublesome realm. I have just come to an important insight in my life and I snapped out of the depression that had my head hung so low. An insight that I found myself almost laughing at as I lay in the shower ( a perfect antidote for the blues and for one's reawakening spiritual life.) This insight is that God uses women to speak to me. Not only does God use women, the devil uses them also. In fact anybody that wants to get my undivided attention will use women as well. All the major traumas of my latter years have been totally and significantly attached to the female species. Some people categorize their life into school years, some into work eras, and some into trends. I categorize my life into epochs of which girl I was with or after. Most of the time these epochs have alot to do with, and I'm being completely serious, my relationship with God.
What is it about them? Why does my spiritual life revolve around this seductive Eve? It hasn't always been this way. It was only a couple of years ago that I could even speak to them. And now both God and the devil present one grand puppet show through them. I, always being the one puppet caught up in the tangled lines.
Some 6 years ago...I experienced a trauma that was unlike anything before. I fell into a love pit that took me a great amount of time to get out of. -And who was standing there helping me and brushing off the shatters of my heart from my clothes? But God.
Then not too long after I was in a missionary school and fell for this missionary's daughter. Some of the greatest times of my life were spent at that school but the last three months were spent in pure agony as the devil used this godly girl to make me an irrational fool punching holes in walls out of jealousy and anger, things that an apprentice missionary should not be about.
Next, I was on a huge spiritual kick on the mission field in Russia. I believe that God brings messengers to those longing to hear...so, yes, I believe that God placed me at the right time in the right place to baptize Lena. But then something changed...some how my relationship with God became less passionate while my relationship with this Russian girl became very passionate. I was almost kicked off the mission field for dating (which was frowned upon with good reason). It's almost as though the devil uses the cards that God had just used and vice versa.
Then almost 2 years ago I fell for a girl in tropical Panama, (an American though), and I hit my knees like I've never done before praying that God would make her my wife. I learned a whole lot about prayer, a whole lot about myself, and whole lot about God during that time. And it all started with this very selfish wish that God would please give me this girl that I was making out with on the Coast of the Caribbean. It didn't happen. I remember standing as best man for my brother's wedding trying to hold back the tears, not from my brother's joy, but for my own lady sorrows. However, God used that situation like none before to draw me closer to Him. That's where I found out about praying and meditating while sitting in the shower. And a closeness with God continued after I'd given up the idea of the girl. I would pray a solid 3 fairly lenghty times a day as a result of my make out sessions in Central America. God is wonderful with the way he changes motives.
But then only two months later, I'm at Harding and there are beautiful women crawling around starving for men. So likewise, I forgot about praying so hard and began to think of ingenious crazy ways to pursue. You could say that I got a certain thrill from the chase. But the playing field was too plentiful to actually get serious. I think the devil was getting my attention off God. And most of the bonding time that I spent with the guys...we just talked about women.
And now, with my current situation, I languish around knowing full well the cards that the devil as been dealing me. Cards which I've been willing to gamble with. And now I weep nearly everyday I believe, crying for the Lord to deliver me....I thought that I had found the love of my life....And I'm probably right, God being the true love of my life and He telling me where my heart should always be.

8 Comments:

Anonymous Will said...

Talking about girls wasn't the only thing we did. We pretty much solved all of the worlds problems as I recall. By the way I'm 23 today, soon I'll be as old as you.

8:37 PM  
Blogger Kara Lipsmeyer said...

You've said a mouthful here Brian. I think that there are some powerful words when Paul advocates for singleness and says something to the affect of, "those who are single think of how to please God, but those who are married think about how to please their spouse." There is a way that our attentions are divided. I also think that it's interesting that God takes this grand attention-divider, and uses it as an analogy for His own love, saying that a husband should love his wife as Christ loves the church. Perhaps God knows that we are natually going to be divided in our fleshly desires, but he redeems that by showing us that a pure and holy relationship is not only pleasing to him, but is honoring Him, but reprenting Him.

7:29 AM  
Blogger Rizzle said...

The question is, after all those deep thoughts and philosophical ponderings what is a boy supposed to do about it? Know what I mean? Where does this leave you?
Here's a thought, what if God was waiting for you to willingly choose him first before he sent you the right girl at the right time with all the right circumstances?
I wonder...

11:41 AM  
Blogger Brian Harrison said...

You're exactly right...Ryan.
But the saying of it is far easier than the doing of it.
And this is what I am trying to do...but I feel like I'm losing in even that.

11:51 AM  
Blogger PapaPeters said...

Hmm i surfed here from rizzle's site. This blog reminds me alot of me. Then I did a nazarite vow and after a very bad mistake with a great friend, decided to also abstain from girlfriends, talking making out and well self-love haha. I learned more about my relationship with God then than any other time in my life. Now married and in the military I can't wait for a time where I seek God in with Nazarite vow again....

7:52 PM  
Blogger theyonah said...

I appreciate your words, your confession, your pain. I miss you. This helped me remember talking under the tree at Wiregrass.

8:11 PM  
Blogger arwen said...

Wow... I really don't know you, but that was a pretty amazing piece. From what I read (and what little I know) we are somewhat different spiritually (in the extent, i guess) but you've done a really good job of connecting(?) it all. I think Ry may be on the right path with "the One before the other" idea... good luck (really) :)

9:17 AM  
Blogger папа said...

Brian,
Always remember that what is now will not necessarily be tomorrow.
Sadness and loneliness today will slide into joy and togetherness tomorrow. Life has twists and turns, hills and canyons, you simply do not know where it will lead you.

7:05 PM  

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